There are three kinds of parenting styles: autocratic (“do what I say”), laissez-faire (“do whatever you want”), and democratic (“do what you want within limits”).  The first two styles are polar opposites at either end of the spectrum.  The third is the balance in between.  It is the third option between being a rigid, punitive parent, and letting your kids to whatever they want.  Democratic parenting involves setting and enforcing limits and structure, but within that structure, allowing children to be respected, have their say, and make their own decisions.  It’s a fine balance, to be sure, and it can be very easy to swing too far in one direction or the other, based on everything from how you were parented or even on how your day has been going.

The word “discipline” comes from a word meaning “to teach”, so we shouldn’t see discipline as something that will curb our children’s natural curiosity and independence.  Children need – and want – structure.  It makes them feel secure, as though Mom and Dad have their backs, and can be trusted to look out for them and take care of them when the world feels too big and scary.  If we constantly cave into the demands of our kids’ behaviour, then they get the message that they are in charge, and that Mom and Dad are easily pushed around.  That doesn’t fill them with confidence that you’ll be able to step it up when they really need you! 

Don’t overthink it.  Children develop self esteem by overcoming challenges and seeing that they can fit into society and the world.  They don’t develop self esteem by having society and the world cater to them.  Honestly, kids need a bit of hardship to develop their psychological muscles and to feel that they can triumph over obstacles.  They need to hear “no”, and indeed, sometimes that might be painful.  For both of you.  But we are crippling our children if we somehow give them the impression that the world will adapt to their whims, instead of the other way around.  So don’t hesitate to set some boundaries and follow through.  Know that you’re doing the right thing for your children, because discipline isn’t just about how we react to their poor behaviour, it’s also about developing the discipline to function well within limits. 

First of all, ask your child why she doesn’t like school.  If she tells you it’s because she doesn’t like homework, or because she’d rather stay home and play with you, or because she’s upset that she has to spend weekend time doing homework but her younger sibling doesn’t, don’t write those statements off as “part of life”.  She may be using those words to cover something bigger, or if she’s young enough, she might simply not know how to articulate what the true problem is.  And even if it really is as simple as that, we want to show our children that we take their concerns seriously, so go deeper in the conversation to figure out what your child can control that could make the situation more pleasant for her.

According to research quoted by the authors of the book Little Girls Can Be Mean, the impact of trouble with peers can be measured in how kids perform in learning and achievement.  What this means is, every day that your child struggles with friends and friend issues at school, her ability to learn is crippled.  Trouble with friends is enough to make a child say that she hates school; the impact of social lives should never be underestimated or dismissed.  Admittedly, this is more of a female phenomenon than a male one, so depending on the age of your daughter, I’d either recommend the above book, or if she’s in grade five or older, I suggest Queen Bees and Wannabes.

Some kids struggle with the format of school.  Sitting at a desk and doing quiet work isn’t every child’s cup of tea.  If your child needs a few physical tasks to help him or her focus during quite work periods, either in school or while doing homework, don’t discourage it.  Chat with the teacher about some classroom-appropriate options (being responsible for tidying a station, say, or running errands to the office).  At home, don’t insist that your child do his work the way you think it should be done.  I, for example, like a neat desk and organized piles to help me stay focused and do what I need to do.  But if my daughter does her homework just as well, or better (if it means we aren’t fighting about it!) while hanging upside down over the side of the couch, well, then I’m prepared to chalk it up to a unique learning quirk.

Perhaps your child despises the homework that comes with school.  Speaking with the teacher about a plan for how to address the shared challenges is an essential first step.  Maybe you need to step back a bit and just let you child do it his way.  Or perhaps brainstorming with your child some ways to make homework more tolerable would help him to feel as though he has some say in the process.  Again, don’t judge the method if the result of real learning and comprehension is achieved.

No parent is unaware of ADD/ADHD, and yet it can be misdiagnosed or be mislabeled.  If you think attention or focus is the problem, chat with the teachers, and look for an expert, either through the school or privately, to perform an assessment.  Learning disabilities are also being seen more and more in schools.  Again, these can’t be diagnosed by parents or teachers, so you’ll have to look for an assessment expert with experience working with kids.

Don’t minimize the possibility of anxiety as a trigger, too.  If kids are required to do public speaking, for example, or are very shy and struggle to answer questions in class, these problems can compound and turn into a dread of school.  There are lots of therapists who are able to address anxiety issues and help kids learn strategies for coping; don’t let it drag on or it can just get worse and chip away at their confidence for the long run.

Keep in mind that most children really do want to do well in school.  So if they’re falling behind or struggling in some way, that’s a red flag that a larger problem might be flying under the radar.  Don’t assume it’s just a phase. Telling yourself this just leaves the door open for major problems to brew without you even noticing.  Take every statement about hating school seriously.

As parents, we tend to reward obedience a little too much.  While it’s certainly a relief to not have to fight with your child about every little chore, we often forget about the long-term consequences of not teaching our children how to feel comfortable speaking their minds.  Having said that some kids – and adults – are just easy-going.  They’re happy to go along with whatever makes you happy, whether it’s how to spend the weekend, or where to have dinner, or who goes first in The Game of Life.  There’s no problem with that.  The problem comes when something does really matter to them, but they don’t feel as though they can say as much.  If our kids are always deferring to someone else, they may be reacting to the “role” they’ve decided they need to play in the family, or they may not know how to stand up for themselves.  Either way, they need to learn how to take care of themselves by being a critical thinker and not just going along with the crowd.

If you’re noticing that you have a little pleaser on your hands, take a few small steps to encourage her to step out of her comfort zone.  Notice whether or not there are family dynamics at play that may encourage her to see herself in a specific role or to be reluctant to speak up. Regularly ask for her input and opinion – “What do you think?” – as a way of encouraging her to check in with herself about what it is she’s thinking and feeling.  Really listen when she answers; show her that her thoughts matter by giving them their due significance.  Acknowledge and support her in those times when you do hear her standing up for herself or expressing a feeling. She won’t always get her own way, of course, but if she starts to see that it’s ok to express an opinion without hurting someone else’s feelings or ruining the relationship, she will start to feel more comfortable speaking up in other areas. 

And finally, when your child is pitching a fit of epic proportions over some perceived injustice, remind yourself that you are in the process of raising an assertive adult, and that the odds are pretty good she’ll be able to take care of herself when the time comes.

There’s an obvious self-esteem concern for the not-favoured one, though.  If you can’t even be the most important person in the world to the person or people who are supposed to love you unconditionally, then how can you feel confident and self-assured of your value when you’re out in the world?  Ironically, the not-favoured one in the family may end up working harder to succeed and get noticed, and eventually eclipse the favoured one, who may not feel as strong a need to try as hard.  After all, Mom or Dad thinks he’s perfect the way that he is.  Or he may worry about losing that “special” status and be afraid of failure.  It’s a catch-22 that being the favoured one doesn’t necessarily guarantee strong self-esteem, but being the not-favoured one doesn’t feel very good, either.

And while competing as kids is bad enough, the real tragedy may be that adult sibling relationships may never recover from the favouritism dynamics of their childhood.  The resentment and anger directed at a brother or sister who was the favourite doesn’t just disappear with time.

It’s ok to get along better with one of our children. Perhaps that’s unavoidable. But I’m uncomfortable with equating that to having a “favourite”. That, to me, implies that we prefer one child to another, that we care more for one child than the others. And I believe that is very dangerous.  I believe in the philosophy of “equal, but not the same”.  We should love our children equally, even if it isn’t the same or doesn’t look the same.  If you take one daughter to the ballet because that’s something both of you enjoy, you don’t have to take your other daughter, too, if it doesn’t hold the same interest for her.  Maybe she’d rather see a play, or a movie, or even simply have an hour of your dedicated time to play a game or go for ice cream – it doesn’t matter that the ballet is more expensive.  The point is creating something special between the two of you, that has meaning to the two of you, and it doesn’t have anything to do with what you do for anyone else, as long as your daughter is happy with ice cream and time alone with you.

Comparing siblings is another easy trap to fall into, one that damages your relationship with them and with each other.  Stay out of sibling fights so you don’t end up taking sides.  Accept your kids for who they are, not who you’d like them to be or who you think they could be with a little polishing.  Create a unique, mutually satisfying relationship with each one of your children, and let them all know just how much you love and value them.

Create a home that reflects the values you would like your children will develop.  Let them see you telling the truth, even when it’s hard.  (Remember to think about all those “little white lies” too, like lying about a child’s age at the movies, or saying you’re too busy to volunteer when really you just don’t want to.)  Talk about moral dilemmas in the television shows they are watching, instead of just viewing the program.  And talk about choices that their friends are making, good and bad, and emphasize what your family values.

We sometimes only think about the trust we have in our kids, but we can forget that they also need to trust us, too.  If we say, “You can tell me anything,” then for heaven’s sake, don’t flip out when they do!  There are enough potential dangers out there in the world for kids; we want to make sure that they know they can count on us to listen without judgment. 

We also need to make sure that we follow through on promises we make.  So if we say that we’re going to take our kids to the zoo this weekend, then we can’t let work crowd that out.  Talk is cheap, after all, and our children will be more inclined to believe what we do, rather than what we say.  This is also true of our kids, and they need to understand that – if they say “I’ll do my homework when I get up on Saturday” and by that evening it still isn’t done, they need to understand that that erodes our trust in them, too.

And we need to remind ourselves that sometimes it’s in the breaking of trust that the biggest lessons are learned.  Mistakes are inevitable and a great opportunity to show to our kids what we value in our family and how their actions have a direct influence on the level of trust we have in them.  And our trust level can still grow in how they approach the mistake themselves.  It’s never too late.

I think it’s an inspired idea, and one I can’t wait to try.  Check it out and let me know what you think!

The struggle for parents is that we tend to notice the mistakes so much more efficiently than the stuff that’s going well. I read somewhere that one of the reasons that “no” is so often a word that toddlers say is because as they’re learning language, it’s one of the words they hear most often. I don’t know if it’s possible to prove that one way or the other, but it is worth considering. How often do we say “no” to our children? Or put another way, how often is our attention and focus on the negative, rather than the positive?

Mistakes are hard to avoid. Sometimes we can’t even know that we’ve made a mistake until we’ve tried it out and taken a look at the results we got. We need to instil in our children that mistakes are fine, that we all make mistakes, and that there are very few mistakes that lead to truly disastrous consequences. What matters more than avoiding mistakes is gaining the courage to be imperfect, as Rudolph Dreikurs would say. Children need to develop the internal strength to acknowledge their mistakes, and move forward from them.

While our initial reaction may be to spend a great deal of time focusing on the events and decisions that lead up to the mistake (“What were you thinking?”, “Why would you do that?”, “What have you done?”, “Didn’t I just tell you to be careful?”), that will get us nowhere. We tend to believe that punishment is the best way to discourage a certain behaviour, but research consistently proves that to be a false belief – and perhaps you’ve noticed as much in your own household.

What works better is focusing on where to go from here, and what we do now that the mistake has been made. Looking at what can be done now gives our kids concrete solutions that they can act on to overcome feelings of guilt, shame, or embarrassment, and it helps them to develop the courage to try again. They start to build a list of times when they made mistakes, but then were able to overcome them.

And the truth is, as adults we know that once a mistake is made, it’s done. At that point, all the questioning and yelling and frustration in the world isn’t going to be able to undo it, so what’s the point? Questions, yelling, and frustration also don’t help our children to learn from their mistakes and feel confident that they can avoid them in the future, so we need to focus our efforts on not doing what we know doesn’t work, and change our approach to something more effective.

Here’s a quick plan for dealing with mistakes: demonstrate through your approach that mistakes aren’t the end of the world (i.e., avoid criticism and judgment), work together to find out where things went wrong and what could be done in the future to avoid the same mistake again, work together to find a solution to the current problem, and encourage your child to try again. Remember: the courage to be imperfect!

The problem with “because I said so” is that it sends the message to the child that you don’t really care about his point of view, that when it really comes down to it, what he thinks and feels is not really important compared to what you want.  It makes it tough for him to take you seriously when you tell him that you want him to come to you with his problems or his desires, because he doesn’t really believe that you’ll listen to him anyway.

You may end up with compliance, at least for a little while, by using the “because I said so” strategy.  But in the long run you risk damaging your credibility when you tell your kids that what they think matters, you may set them up to be taken advantage of by authority figures, or they may get angry, secretly rebel, and stop concerning themselves about you and what you say.

This doesn’t mean that children should be allowed to do whatever they want.  As a parent, you have a legal and moral obligation to keep your kids safe and to look out for their best interests.  When it comes to issues of safety, legality, and morality, you need to reserve the right to limit your children’s activities.  But instead of just resorting to “because I said so”, let your kids know (in age appropriate terms, of course) what your concerns are and that if they can find a way to really address all of those concerns in a way you both feel good about, that you’ll reconsider.  (Barbara Coloroso describes this idea by using the phrase, “Convince me” with kids.)  This isn’t a blanket acceptance of what they’re doing or a suggestion that under any circumstances you should be forced into doing something or letting your kids do something you don’t feel comfortable with — it’s a way to teach critical thinking and problem solving skills that they’ll be able to use over and over again in their lives.  We need to practice these kinds of behaviours for them to become natural and second nature, and kids can’t go wrong with the ability to identify a problem, consider the options for overcoming the problem, and presenting these options to the involved parties.  And it keeps you out of the dog house in having to fight with your children over “because I said so” over and over again.

And with the focus so much on figuring out how this new little person is going to fit into your lives, it can be very tempting to put your marriage on the back burner. You both know how hard it is, so why put pressure on yourselves to focus on your marriage, too? Then, as the children get older and there are more logistics involved, it doesn’t take much to see that life gets easier when one of you takes one kid to soccer, while the other stays home and cooks dinner, or takes the other kids to their own soccer games.

But while this kind of task-sharing may keep things running as smoothly as possible, behind the scenes, you and your partner slowly start to become strangers. The glue that held you together isn’t as strong anymore, since you’re not seeing as much of one another (with your clothes or without). Becoming a parent changes you, both of you, until one day you realize that while your life has taken on a life of its own, your marriage has slowly, but definitely, drifted off track.

Even though this might not describe your situation exactly, you may be interested to know that most marriages don’t end for the big reasons we might assume. It’s not usually domestic violence or drug abuse that drive marriages apart; it’s more often simply that the two “fell out of love”.

That’s a real shame, because giving up on your marriage at this point robs you of the opportunity to get back to the love and passion you felt in the beginning of your relationship, once the adjustment periods are behind you and you’ve come to an awareness and acceptance about who you and your spouse really are. We’ve somehow come to believe that love should be easy, and that if it isn’t, we should stop wasting our time. But couples who have been together for many, many years will tell you that there are always periods that are hard, that it isn’t always easy. But what is? Only the quick-fixes tend to be easy; most of what we value in life and the things with real meaning are things we have to work for: our educations, our careers, our weights, our finances, our gardens…and our relationships.

Here’s another interesting statistic for you: it would appear that about 10% of couples who divorce get remarried…to each other (it’s a hard stat to pin down because no one has tracked that remarriage rate specifically, but that number would seem to be accurate, and somewhat conservative, if anything). That’s a lot of heartbreak and expense to learn that where you want to be is where you were.

Life is too short to be unhappy. The problem is, separating or divorcing is not always the path to happiness we think (and hope) it will be. If you are struggling in your marriage, are feeling fed up, lonely, or just worn out, don’t give up hope. Start by reconnecting, enjoying one another’s company, and spending time together. It’s a small step, yes, but a great start.

(I highly recommend the book The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis. I was so inspired by her approach and the success she has in working with couples, that I took her intensive training for therapists, so that I could help my own clients find the same kind of success and happiness. And one of the best things about her approach is that you don’t need a willing partner to make significant and important changes in marriage; you can create that ripple effect by seeking counselling and making changes yourself.)

Here’s to many more happy years together.